Today is one of those days I am feeling a special case of pregnancy blues… you know that feeling when you wake up and feel, ‘Ah crap! It’s morning again!’
I am in my third trimester now, and some how I am hit with the blues. Strangely, I don’t think I am feeling like this because of my hormones / baby kicks / sleep deprivation / sudden numbness though I am currently having all these problems.
It’s something to do with how my life would change in a couple of weeks when I will have to watch myself each step of the way, how I talk, how I walk, how I behave and most importantly how my changing or not changing affects my baby and more scary part is, am I good enough for the job?
Taking responsibility for another person’s well being, behavioral traits and actions that is parenthood. It’s not just that, I am about to see the result of my mistakes for the 9months I had the responsibility of nurturing the kid. All the things I have done or not done. It’s terrifying not the labor or the surgery, because I can bear the pain, but to have my actions cause some kind of problem to my kid… It would break my heart.
As excited as I am to have my baby I am equally if not more terrified about the health of the baby to come. If I will pass on my crappy eczema and bronchitis to the kid or will my husband’s migraine be passed to the baby.
Will the baby be liked by my mother and his? Will everyone like the baby and accept the baby? Whose features will the baby inherit? if they inherit mine will it be liked by my in laws? If the baby inherits my husband’s will it be liked by my parents?
I want my baby to not be centered because of something that’s coming from me. I don’t want it to be singled out because of me. I can protect my baby until it’s inside me, but outside in the cruel world, I wont be there to see no one picks on him, no one hates him, or no one singles him out.